Movie Review - CONSTSANTINE

I snuck out of work early the other day (cheetah style) and went over to Union Station to see what's playing. Not a whole lot. Hitch? Boogeyman? Son of the Mask? Shaaa..right. What a bunch of crap! There was only one film I'd pay money to see, so I threw down my $6 and went see Constantine.
The premise of this movie really intrigues me. Though I was raised catholic, I didn't pay much attention to any of it (until Dogma), so all these movies about God/Satan Heaven/Hell Angels/Demons , Christian Mythology, really entrigues me. Here's the plot. God and Satan have a bet on who can collect the most souls. But they can't directly influence anything, only indirectly. Angels and Demons cannot cross over to this plane of existence. But there are demonic and angelic "half-breeds" that are all around us. John Constantine (Keanu "whoa" Reeves) was born with a gift to see these half-breeds. His family thought he was crazy and had him commited. So he commited suicide. But he was revived. In the two minutes of death he went to hell as all suicides do. It's not a nice place. It looks like that scene from Terminator 2 when the nuke hits L.A. Ever since his "death," Constantine has devoted his life to performing exorcisms and huting down half-breeds, in order to make up for his suicide and enter heaven. But now he's dying from lung cancer (he smokes like 30 cigs a day, cause he's like cool). Enter police detective Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz), who's crazy psychic twin sister just apparently committed suicide. They investigate. Apparently Lucifer's son Mammon is trying to enter earth to rule it. Hijinks ensue. Not really, there's not a lot of laughs here, but wasn't that an interesting story? I thought so.

This is director Francis Lawrence's first directoral effort, and it shows. He relies on cliche "cool" movie shots (Keanu drops his cig, it goes to slo-mo as it hits the floor, spinning cameras shot from overhead as Keanu walks from a car to a house) and has Keanu pop his zippo really loud everytime he lights up, to show us how cool Keanu is. It get's old quick, especially in the first half of the movie when nothing much is going on. BUT, the quality and pacing picks up at the end and I was totally hooked on the last 45 minutes of this movie.

The cast is a mixed bag. Keanu is his usual too cool, whoa, no expression self. Eh, I'm used to it. I've loved Weisz since the Mummy, she's yummy. You see her tummy. It is also yummy. (HEY! did DR. FREAKING SUESS hijack this review!) Supporting players Djimon Housou (Amistad) as Midnite, a neutral witch doctor, Tilda Swinton (The Beach) as the angel Gabriel, and Peter Stormare (Armageddon) as Lou (Lucifer) are all awesome and make this movies so much better. And Bush singer and Mr. Gwen Strefani Gavin Rossdale, as the half demon Balthazaar, steals the show whenever he's onscreen. He is really cool and could have a future as an actor, since that whole Bush thing is going nowhere.

(SUPER INSIDE JOKE WARNING....)
Gavin: "Okay let's play our song, Machine Head!
Former Helmet/new Bush guitarist Chris Traynor:"......starts playing Undone ... dun dun dun....dun dun dun..."
Gavin: ".....NIGEL!!!!!!!!!"
(End Super Inside Joke)

.....sorry bout that.....ok, where were we....

The worst acting goes to unnecessay sidekick/replacement in training Chas (Shia LaBeouf) who brings down the every scene he's in, even his "last" (hehehe...oops...SPOILER ALERT).

The demons and angels look great, as does Hell, and there's no overkill on CG (a-la Van Helsing) As I said earlier, there are slow parts and a lot of explainging, but the last 45 minutes are intense and the payoff is worth it. The cinematography is tired, but there's some good acting to make up for it. I don't see a franchise here, but if they can make a Tomb Raider 2, anything's possible.

The Sneaky Cheetah's Grade: B

The Much Anticipated, Long Awaited, Heavily Hyped, Sneaky Cheetah Best Films of 2004!!!!!

Drum roll please.........
In order to qualify for this list, the movie must have been realesed on the big screen in the year 2004. I've waited until the end of February to post this so I could hit a few more movies on DVD. I figure I've only seen 21 films from 2004 . So here's the top 10.

Without further ummm adieu (a do)

10. HELLBOY - A great comic book movie. The characters look great not fake, the action is cool, and the story actually goes into character motivation, something other crappier comic book movies forget. Director Guillermo del Toro's style fits beatifully in this dark supernatural world. Ron Pealman has always been a favorite of mine, since The Name of the Rose. It's nice to see him get a well-deserved lead role in a quality Sci-Fi/Fantasy production. (IMDB rating - 6.7 out of 10)

9. LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU - Read Full Review Here Another quirky winner from Wes Anderson, a great performance from Bill Murray (also the best acting Owen Wilson's ever done), a film you don't just watch, you experience. (IMDB - 7.4)

8. SKY CAPTAIN & THE WORLD OF TOMORROW - Breathtkingly beautiful, this film has style to spare. I hardly believe a film shot entirely on blue screen turned out this great! Especially from a first-time Director and Writer, Kerry Conran. I wasn't a big Gwyneth Paltrow fan until this. She and Jude Law have an incredible chemistry here, just strap in and enjoy the ride. (IMDB - 6.5)

7. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND - I think this is the best performance of Jim Carrey's career, because it's so un-Carrey-like. A trippy mindbender from wierdo Charlie Kaufman and Michel Gondry, it tops many critics' lists as best picture of the year. A brutally honest film about relationships. And Kate Winslett is so damn cute with blue and orange hair! (IMDB - 8.6, #32 on Top 250 films of all time.)

6. KILL BILL vol. 2 - Not as good as KB1, but still better then all but 5 films this year IMHO. Quentin Tarantino is the greatest filmmaker of my generation. The ass-kicking of KB1 is still here, with a little more story and heart. I really don't think of them as seperate films though, and will treat it as 1 giant Kill Bill experience. (IMDB - 8.2, #92 on Top 250 films of all time)

5. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS - Read Full Review Here Deep performances, awesome football cinematography, the best football movie EVER MADE! Director Peter Berg makes his career film. (IMDB - 7.1)

4. HARRY POTTER & THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN - Read Full Review Here - Director Alfonso Cuaron was exactly what the Potter films needed to convey the changes going through our beloved characters and the increasingly complex stories. He focused the story on the magicians, not the magic. Sadly, he's not directing the next one. (IMDB - 7.7)

3. SHAUN OF THE DEAD - Full Review Here - A comedy that will survive as an all-time classic. Writers Edgar Wright (also the Director) and Simon Pegg (also the star "Shaun") show an equal amount of love and disdain for the horror genre. A RomZomCom that will hurt you with laughter. (IMDB - 7.9)

2. SPIDER-MAN 2 - The Godfather of comic book films, only the Spider-Man series has truly gotten it "right." I attribute this to director Sam Raimi's love of our friendly neighborhood arachnid and Toby Maguire's skills. Superman was also Clark Kent, and Batman was also Bruce Wayne, but as any comic fan knows, it's all about Peter Parker, he just happens to also be Spider-Man. (IMDB - 7.9)

1. ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGANDY - Read Full Review Here - I'm gonna catch a lot of heat for giving Anchorman the #1 slot, but there's no other film this year that I laughed so hard at, or watched more then twice, or quoted at work, or can see myself re-watching it over and over on cable for decades to come. Having worked in local television the last 4 years also gave me a keen insight into this world, and an appreciation for the humor that most others just don't have. In my cannon of comedy, it joins Spaceballs, Bill & Ted, Billy Madison, and Pootie Tang as the ultimate in silliness and perfect escapism. (IMDB - 6.4)


Honorable Mentions:
Miracle, Shrek 2 (read full review here), Van Helsing (read full review here), The Day After Tomorrow, The Village

The Rest:
Alfie (Full Review Here), Shark Tale (Full Review Here), The Punisher, Jersey Girl, Starsky & Hutch, Torque

DVD Review - SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Let the record show that I am not a fan of horror movies. I want to be entertained by films and most of the time get a positive reaction from them and horror movies just don't do that for me. I haven't sat through the entirety of any Friday the 13ths or Nightmare on Elm Streets or Halloweens or Hellraisers. I don't watch any of the "new" horrors (the grudge, white noise), except for the Ring, which I though was ok. But I will enjoy a good horror comedy, like Army of Darkness. Shaun of the Dead isn't just the funniest horror comedy I've ever seen, it's also one the funniest films of 2004.
Shaun (Simon Pegg) is a Brit living a slacker existence, sharing an apartment (in britain it's a "flat") with two college buddies, working at a Circuir City type store where he, at age 29, is one of the oldest employees, and dragging his girlfriend, Liz, (Kate Ashfield) to the same bar (pub) every weekend. After Liz dumps him, he get's plastered at the pub. He's in such a daze the next day as he walks to the corner store he doesn't notice Zombies have taken over the streets and there's dead bodies everywhere. We are given no explanation of how this Zombie plague starts, that's not what this movie is about. It's about Shaun gaining some character and maturing enough to win back Liz. Shaun and his loser roomate Ed must fight off the zombies long enough to save Shaun's mom, Liz and her flatmates. Shaun and Ed are truly unfazed by the zombies. It's just one more thing in their way of their mission. There are some classic scenes, like when Shaun and Ed here on the news that Zombies heads are their weak spots, so they start chunking everyting in the living room at the 2 zombies in the backyard. Or when they try to sneak to the most secure place they can think of, the pub! As a kid, I always thought "give me a baseball bat and I could survive a zombie movie. Shaun proves my point, but uses a cricket bat.(bloody Brits).
The acting is suprisingly good for the "B-Movie" feel. This movie is described as a RomZomCom. A ROMantic ZOMbie COMedy. It will make you laugh out loud. Repeatedly. Your stomach will hurt. For those who are easily grossed out, there's only 1 scene that may offend you. Everyone should see this. It's smart, funny, and original, something all films wish they could be. The only thing keeping this from getting an A+ is the final scene of the film, which goes for the cheap, easy, and not very funny joke. You'll see what I mean.

The Sneaky Cheetah's grade: A

DVD Review - SHARK TALE

My son Dominic (almost 2 years old!) is on this trip right now that he wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to watch Finding Nemo. He walk into our bedroom crying "Nemo." My wife just pops in the DVD, puts him in bed with us, and goes back to sleep. He usually falls asleep before Nemo even gets taken by the divers, but I'm getting tired of watching the first 10 minutes of Nemo every night. I've tried putting in other movies. "How about Pooh Bear, Dominic," I say. He cries for Nemo. Spongebob works, but then he doesn't fall asleep. I think it's the soothing ocean tones and motion of the animation that just relaxes him. So I was looking forward to Shark Tale as a possible sub for Nemo, at least once or twice a week.
I'd heard Shark Tale was pretty week. It's from dreamworks animation, the people who brought you Shrek and Shrek 2. The animation was good (that fish sure looks like Will Smith), but the script. Most of the jokes are just Will Smith cutting up, like he used to do on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. There's a few laughs, but most of the script falls flat. Lame pop culture references abound, and the only thing this has in common with Nemo is it's beneath the ocean. The voice work is hit or miss. Smith, as Oscar, is his usual manic self, De Niro is just doing his own past characters (from Analyze This and Scarface) and Jack Black's voice in unrecognizable as Lenny the Shark. Angelina Jolie's performance as sexy seductress-fish Lola is God-awful. Renee Zellweger is great as Oscar's love interest Angie. She steals every seen she's in, not an easy thing in an animated feature. Also Ziggy Marley and Doug E. Doug are awesome as two rastafarian jelly fish Ernie and Bernie.
So the verdict is....undecided. Dominic payed little attention to this movie when we started watching it, but the next day in Sam's, Dom saw the DVD and pointed and said "Shark Tale!" So we watched some more that night and he liked it, but was scared by some of the early Shark scenes. But then, within 15 minutes, he was asleep. Looks like I'll be seeing more of this movie. It's nowhere near as good as Nemo, but I'm sure kids will love it. I am a sucker for a good M.C. Hammer joke.

The Sneaky Cheetah's Grade: C

Musings on Films, Movies, and Flicks

I'm gonna give props for this idea to one of my favorite film critics, Harry Knowles over at Ain't It Cool News. If you don't go there for movie news, you should be ashamed!

I regularly get into discussions with my co-workers, friends and relatives over movies. It usually goes like this.

Me: "I just saw (insert critically aclaimed arthouse film here), and it was incredible. The most original film of the year!"
Friend: "That sucked! But I saw Alien vs Predator and it RAWKED!"
Me: "......uhg"
Me: "Well, (lowering the IQ of the conversation) I actually thought Anchorman was the funniest movie I've seen in a long time."
Friend: "....Dude, that was stupid. Will Ferrell sucks."
Me: ".......O......K......"

In order to help qualify what I think is "good" and whats "great", here's three catagories that all motion pictures should be put into. (the original idea from AICN had four catagories, but I'm simplifying.)

1. The FLICK - The Flick is a popcorn movie. Don't think to hard, you just might ruin it. It's only has pure entertainment value, nothing artistic or terribly original. The Bad Flick is usually your basic garbage movie with no redeaming social value. It could be big budget blockbusters that go bust and you wonder "what donkey's ass green-lit $200 million for this shit?" (the usual suspects here: Waterworld). Or unbelivable unfunny action crap (Torque). Or "why does this even exist? (Surviving Christmas) There are good Flicks. Even great Flicks. Silly Comedy Flicks are incredibly enjoyable (The afore-mentioned Anchorman, and Spaceballs) Great action flicks are rarer, usually a cliche filled flick which is redeemed by an actor's great performance (Gladiator) or groundbreaking effects (Independence Day). Great Action Flicks that also have an original script are elevated to catagory 2. The Good Flick need only be enjoyable. A good way to spend 2 hours. The Bad Flick should be walked out on, unless the purpose of the viewing is to make fun of the bad flick. (see MST3K)

2. The MOVIE - The movie is usually a more rewarding view then the Flick. The main criteria to elevate a Flick to a Movie is great writing. In action films, this seperates Spider-Man 2 from The Punisher, Saving Private Ryan from Windtalkers, Braveheart from King Arthur. In comedy, it moves Groundhog Day over The Ladies Man. In romantic Comedies, Love Actually: movie, You've Got Mail: flick. Or it's when a flick pushes some boundries or takes some chances or heads into a new direction (There's Something About Mary, That Thing You Do, The Matrix, The Sixth Sense)It's like when a flick tries to be a little more, it becomes a movie. Most movies are still mainstream hollywood productions and most follow standard hollywwod formula that fit in genres mentioned above, but they're more rewarding and memorable. There are no bad movies. If it was bad, it'd be a Flick.

3. The FILM - The moment when a movie become "art." It's a film when a master director makes a movie that transcends other films of the genre. It's when an unknown produces a film so off-the-wall, it becomes a international hit and classic. They may not make even $50 million, and may not even win some Oscars, but you will remember these films forever and they will influence a new generation of filmakers. That's not to say all independent or alternative cinema qualify as films, only the best go here. Of the movies I've seen in 2004, only 4 would I call films. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind , Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Kill Bill vol. 2, and Friday Night Lights. The first was written by Charlie Kaufman, (Adaptation, Being John Malkovich) whose such a genius he's scary. The second by Wes Anderson (The Royal Tennenbaums, Rushmore), brilliant director and an incredible writer of characters. The third concluded Quentin Tarantino's (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs) ambitious masterpiece and is such eye candy, it's a film lover's wet dream. And to why Friday Night Lights, a high school football movie is here, it's because director Peter Berg (The Rundown, Very Bad Things) tried to make it different, and actor's movie with great performances not just flashy teenagers and huge football collisions.

I will soon publish my long overdue Best Movies of 2004 list and here's a hint: While the 4 films mentioned above all finish in the top 10, they're not #1 or #2 or #3. Chew on that!

Sammy, Say It Ain't SOSA!

Since I cancelled my Washington Post subscription this month, I tend to get out of touch with the world on the weekends. So I was shocked to learn Monday that a deal to send Sammy Sosa from the Cubs to the Orioles was all but done. At first I was stunned. It kills me to see teams casting off future Hall of Famers, Jerry Rice and Emmit Smith come to mind. But then I took myself out of a fans perspective and looked at what Sosa had become to the Cubs, and I say this. This is the best thing the Cubs could have done.
Sammy put together the best four season stretch in baseball history from 1998-2001, batting .310, drove in 597 RBI's and hit an incredible 243 homers. Some great players haven't put up numbers like that in a career! In his career he's .277, 574 hr and 1530 rbi. He's had seven 40 homer seasons, nine 100 rbi years, and hit over .300 4 times. He's the Cubs only 30-30 man (30 hrs and 30 stolen bases in the same season) and he did that twice! His incredible 1998 home run chase with Mark McGuire captured the nation's heart and some would argue Sammy came out with a better rep then Big Mac, even though he came up short in actual homers. His "hop" after he crushed one, his "blowing numerous kisses to the camera in the dugout," his sprint around right field to open every home game: these are what we loved about Sammy. All these accomplishments means Great Player, what it doesn't equate is Team Player.
First off, his numbers have been in decline since 2001. Every year since then he's declined in average, homers and rbi's. I'm convinced Sammy was hitting the roids big time in the late nineties when he went from Chris Rock-size to Incredible Hulk-size. It showed in his speed. His last 30-30 was in 1995 and after averaging 23 sb a season in his first 9 years as a starter, he's swiped 16 since 1999. And only 2 in the last 4 years. That's Cecil Fielder-esque! When heat started to come down on baseball players about steroid use, Sammy became visibly smaller and resorted to corking his bat, which he never really admitted was wrong. He also started to get some freak injuries, like a sneeze that injured his back and sidelined him for 3 weeks. Not to mention he's topped 130 strikeouts 10 years straight, 12 times in his 15 years as a starter.
In the clubhouse, he began to put himself above all others, most notably when he declared he would control the boombox (his favorites were Salsa music and Whitney Houston) in the clubhouse before games, a privledge once reserved by the days starting pitcher. Last season he arrived to Wriggly Field and found a bat in the remains of his pummeled stereo. There was a game when he hit an apparent homer, did his "hop" and then when the ball hit the wall and stayed in play, couldn't stretch it into a double. When asked by a reporter is his hop was costing the Cubs some possible runs, he replied "That's me, man. That's what I do." He can't get along with Dusty Baker, the ultimate "player's manager" and the guy that kept Barry Bonds in line. And, after the Cubs collapsed late last year, he didn't bother to play in the last game of the season.
He's already one of the highest paid players in baseball and will be a fee agent next year. Now's the perfect time to move him, when the Cubs can get someone for him. I admit, Jerry Harriston Jr. And 2 minor leaguers are not much, and the cubs are still gonna pay $10 million of Sammy's salary this year, but they would've lost him next year for nothing. And now new players (maybe Aramis Ramirez, Todd Walker or Nomar) can step up and assume leadership of this team.
In this period of self analysis, I've discovered the only thing left that I loved about the Cubs is Wrigley Field. When I first fell in love with the Cubs, it was about Sandberg and Grace, Dawson and Dunston, Sutcliff and Zimmer, and most importantly, Harry Carry. All of those are gone now, and while I still root for Maddux and Wood and Walker, I don't schedule my time around cubs games, or even check the web for the score. With the trading of Sosa (I won't call him Sammy anymore) and Maddux only hanging on for a few more years, my Cubs are all but gone. Thankfully, my thirst for baseball will be sated. In the immortal words of Harry Carry, "Sosa spelled backwards is.....ASOS!"
(...Takes off Cubs cap, puts on Washington Nationals cap...)
GO NATS!