Miss North Carolina, Day 3

It's definitely 4:07 am. The rather unattractive lady behind the desk here at the Radisson is in full blown panic mode because all her crap turned back an hour overnight. I think it must be 4:08 am now, but you never know judging by the way this woman is carrying on and on about this disaster. I know the time change is next week, so I'm not worried. It's just aggravating. It's much easier to take stupidity from some one if they are beautiful. Which was what I dealt with on Saturday (I said turd) when my partner Bruce Wayne and I interviewed all 140 something contestants. I'm not saying they were all dummies. Far from it, many of the older girls have finished college and are teachers, nurses and doctors. But one girls said the judges asked her what book she was reading and she confessed to us she hadn't read a book since 5th grade! Half of the contestants didn't know who the Vice-President was! And when we asked them what their favorite movie was, some actually said "I don't really have a favorite movie, I like all movies equally." huh? But damn, she was sexy when she said it.

I've learned 1 in 5 girls here say "The Notebook" is their favorite. But one incredible girl (I believe it was the girl on the left, Jessie) said her favorite was "The Princess Bride" and when I asked her for her favorite line from the film she said "No more rhymes now, I mean it. Anybody want a peanut?" How awesome was that babe.


Anyway, the live show went great, I was on camera on Friday but Directed the shoot on Saturday. Between all the video work and the chatting with babes, there's a lot of carrying around heavy shit. And late nights. I'm on three hours sleep right now. And I never pick the winners correctly. My favorite teen didn't even make top 15, but my Miss contestant was first runner up, so maybe I'm getting better.

Your new Miss Teen North Carolina is Julie Dalton.















And your new Miss North Carolina, Andrea Duke, who had the best evening gown, no question.




BTW, the High Point Radisson (Radisshon) gets two big thumbs down for RUNNING OUT OF SHAMPOO! I travel light and depend on those little mini shampoos in hotel showers, then I like to steal them and use them in the showers in the exercise room at work. Yes you can run out of shampoo. But after that GET SOME FREAKING MORE! No shampoo for three days is unacceptable! Send out your ugly desk worker for more!

It is SOP (standard operating procedure) to wear an NFL jersey if you're flying on a Sunday. I broke out my Chris Cooley skin's jersey today, my airport shuttle driver is a cheesehead in a Farve jersey, and I'm looking at this wimpy Eddie Munster lookin' guy in a Julius Peppers jersey. Our eyes meet and we give a small, nearly imperceptable nod. We're in the club. We're the coolest. Even my pilot give me a "Go Skins!" when I exit the plane. I respond with a "Go Skins! Thanks for not crashing!"

Oh Yeah, Soulja Boy was on my flight. No shit. He was actually staying at the same hotel, and his tour bus was parked outside. He had about 5 ho's (and I am being quite literal with that , they were definitely ho's) or dancers or unemployed models get on his bus. While his bus drives to his next concert (he's in Cleveland tonight), he and a 2 man entourage got on the plane with me. Didn't he see La Bamba? You never take the plane while your tour bus drives to the gig! BTW soulja, ever heard of Los Del Rios? They were you ten years ago.

I'm tired and I miss my family. I miss holding my babies, and answering Dominic's questions, and fighting with my wife. In two weeks I do it all over again in Missouri. Maybe the blog will get a visit before that. NOW CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY HOOOOOOOO SUPERMAN DAT HOOOOOOOOO!http://lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=42865

Miss North Carolina, Day 2

My days at these things basically involve following around babes with a camera. All day. There’s 70ish teens and 60 something in the miss division. In fact there’s so many smoking’ hot hotties here that it’s almost a total babe overload. Like when Garth would just start going “Schwing! Schwing! Schwing!” over and over. The thing is they're all 8’s, 9’s or 10’s, between the ages of 16-24 and I’m a 32 year old married fat guy.

The great equalizer is the camera. People get friendly when you’re lugging around that camera on your shoulder. So here’s my favorites after day 1



Teens - Hillary




















Miss - Brittany








I’m not picking the winners. I suck at that. Just singing’ “I wanna tap it!” when these two walk by. If you don’t get that last remark, you should start watching “How I Met Your Mother” on Monday night on CBS IMMEDIATELY!

Confessions of a Beauty Pageant Videographer

This fall I’ll be working as a videographer for four Miss USA pageants. I'll try to Blog as I go. First up - North Carolina!

The Journey begins.

As I sit here typing this, an elderly woman 10 feet away is slowly strumming a guitar and singing “House of the Rising Sun.” That in itself is not a horrible thing (although I loath that song), but the truth of the situation is in the details. I sit here on an uncomfortable grey plastic seat on an ass that lost all feeling hours ago. Gate D-36, Thurgood Marshall Baltimore/Washington International airport, waiting on my 8:00 flight to New York. It’s currently 8:45. I left the dojo in Leesburg at 3:45, and began a 65 mile journey that would take precisely 3 hours. Which is a average speed of 21.6 to infinity mph.

I just heard the would-be guitarist saying that she’s taking a class and besides “House”, they are also learning Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd. Should I walk over and teach her? To bust my skills out upon this terminal of delayed passengers? Maybe. I don’t play much anymore, but I’ll never forget how to play that song. It goes against my nature, which is to sit here typing this blog and not do anything to get myself noticed. Also, on a side note, no hotties waiting on this flight.

Washington traffic is a big fat bitch. I get to the airport at 6:45. Shuttle to the terminal by 7. Check in by 7:20. Through security and to the gate by 7:35. I had to use my Olympic level Fast-Walking skillz to accomplish this. And then I see the big red DELAYED sign above my gate. Our plane hasn’t left New York. It’s raining across the entire eastern seaboard. (note: eastern seaboard is a fantastic phrase. I recommend using it whenever possible.) The plane leave NYC around 8:45. Might be here in an hour. I type these words at 9 o’clock. Air travel is a big fat bitch also.


9:45 and we’re in the air. Remember in Raiders of the Lost Ark, when Indy takes off in the prop plane and it dissolves to a map with a glowing line that traces the flight? That’s what kind of plane I’m in. It’s the sound of the engines that takes me to that scene. 36 seats, only 17 passengers, 2 pilots, 1 flight attendant (I swear it’s Barbara Streisand), 1 guitar (I didn’t play it) and 2 propellers. I commend U.S. Air for the quick turnaround of this plane. But I really don’t think they had time to fuel it. Guess I’ll find out in about 30 minutes.

If you ever fly into La Guardia in NY from points south, sit on the left side of the plane. Awesome views of Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. Sox up on the Rocks 2-1, top 7. C’mon Rockies, don’t get swept like punks. Grrr….they’re calling my flight, NY to Greensboro, North Carolina. Then on to High Point, home of the world’s largest chest of drawers. I ain’t bullshittin’!

I arrive at 1:30 am. I could have drove the 300 miles in 6 hours, instead, doorstep to hotel bed, 10 hours. I'm retarded.