I hope you all know the story of Michael Vick's infamous HIV test alias. Even though this has been hushed up by mainstream media and espn won't touch it, Michael Vick's girlfriend is sueing him for giving her Herpes. It seems when Vick goes to the clinic to get tested, he uses the incredibly cool alias, Ron Mexico. Needless to say, number 7 flacons jerseys with the name "Mexico" have become hot sellers. So if you need an alias to visit the clinic, here's a helpfull name generator. Have fun!
Sincerely,
Stark Kyrgyzstan
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Batman Begins!
Batman called me and said, "Hey, you got Supes pic up on yo site, and his flick don't come out til next year. Where's the love yo? WHERE'S THE LOVE?" So here you go Batman, you whiney little bitch. P.S. By the way, the new Batmobile sucks. The Fall Guy called, he wants his monster truck back.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
DVD Review - TROY
My second epic movie view this month is Wolfgang Peterson's TROY, starring Brad Pitts' naked hip. You see alot of it in this film. They throw this in for the ladies. Actually, this film is almost a chic flick, disguised as an epic war film. Let me explain.
Agamemnon (Brian Cox (X2, Braveheart)) is a Greek warlord who is uniting all the Greek kingdoms by force, in order to form a single nation he can turn into a world-dominating empire. He does this not by warring with thousands of soldiers, but by challenging another kingdom's champion to duel his champion. Loser's kingdom bows before the winners. Well, Agamemnon's champ is Achilles (Pitt), the greatest warrior on Earth. Before long, all of Greece is united under Agamemnon's banner.
Meanwhile, Agememnon's brother Menelaus (Brendon Gleeson (28 Days Later, Braveheart) is negotiating a truce with Hector (Eric Bana (Hulk) and Paris (Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean), the princes of Troy, a rival kingdom across the Aegean Sea. Paris falls for Menelaus' wife Helen (Diane Kruger (National Treasure) and when the Trojans leave, she leaves with them cause she wants more Trojan lovin'. This puts Hector in a tight spot. Let Paris keep Helen and start a war with Greece or turn them over to Menelaus who will surely kill them (and don't call me Shirly!). Of course, he chooses to save his little brother and thereby doom thousand of Trojans and Greeks to death in the coming war! Way to use the ol' nogin!
Menelaus pleads to Agamemnon to make war with Troy to regain his honor, and since Aggie was gonna go to war anyway, they decide to sail with the larget army the world has ever seen. With them are Achilles his squad of ancient commandos and other heros like Odysseus (Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings, National Treasue), and Ajax (Tyler Mane (Sabertooth in X-Men and former WCW wrassler "Big Sky"). Problem is Achilles hates Agememnon and doesn't particularly have any reason to fight the Trojans, he just want his name to live forever as the greatest of warriors. Well, the Greeks land on the beach at the great walls of Troy (like China) and hijinks ensue.
This film is incredible. I just had to wait til after the plot summary to give my opinion, and well this one the most enjoyable epic since, well, Return of the King, but not since Gladiator before that. I must compare it to that turd of a movie King Arthur since i watched them back-to back. This film has passion, motivation, and acting! Everyone in it is on their A-game, even the limited Orlando Bloom, who plays the same character in all his movies (Legolas/Will Turner/Paris = the same thing). Pitt gives a strong leading role but in my opinion the film is stolen by Eric Bana, and now all is forgiven for the way he mailed it in as Bruce Banner. Hector is torn by love for his brother and responsibility to his people, responsibility to his wife and child or his honor as a Captain of Troy. Then scene when he says goodbye to his wife and son killed me! Special nods also to Sean Bean, who is impressive in every scene he's in (far too few scenes in my opinion) and the immortal Peter O'Toole as Priam, king of Troy (nominated SEVEN times for acting oscars and never won, till they gave him an honorary one in 2003). The only weak acting is from the women here. Diane Krugar is hardy impressive as Helen, whose beauty started the whole damn war, and Saffron Burrows (as Hector's wife) and Rose Byrne (as Achilles love-slave) are not memorable. There is some actual loving here, compared to the no sex in sight King Arthur (if you got Kiera Knightly, USE HER!)
The fight scenes are hands down the best ever. Better than Gladiator's. Troy shows you how soldiers REALLY fought with a spear and shield, and how Achilles could defeat a 7 foot dude in the first swing of combat. Achilles vs Hector had me at the edge of my seat. You actually saw some intelligent tactics used in this war. Wolfgang Peterson does his homework. He's got some good films in his pocket like The Perfect Storm, Air Force One, and In the Line of Fire and if you haven't seen Das Boot, you need to go back to film school.
(Trivia Time folks, Betcha didn't know did you know Peterson also directed the ultimate childhood fantasy film of the eighties, The Neverending Story?)
I truly enjoyed watching this, and can't find anything to worth complaining about. The characters make life or death decisions and must face the consequences, and we see people feeling actual pain over the deaths of loved ones. It's a powerful movie and written so that you don't know if you should pull for the Trojans or Achilles. This is definantly one to own.
The Sneaky Cheetah's Grade: A
Agamemnon (Brian Cox (X2, Braveheart)) is a Greek warlord who is uniting all the Greek kingdoms by force, in order to form a single nation he can turn into a world-dominating empire. He does this not by warring with thousands of soldiers, but by challenging another kingdom's champion to duel his champion. Loser's kingdom bows before the winners. Well, Agamemnon's champ is Achilles (Pitt), the greatest warrior on Earth. Before long, all of Greece is united under Agamemnon's banner.
Meanwhile, Agememnon's brother Menelaus (Brendon Gleeson (28 Days Later, Braveheart) is negotiating a truce with Hector (Eric Bana (Hulk) and Paris (Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean), the princes of Troy, a rival kingdom across the Aegean Sea. Paris falls for Menelaus' wife Helen (Diane Kruger (National Treasure) and when the Trojans leave, she leaves with them cause she wants more Trojan lovin'. This puts Hector in a tight spot. Let Paris keep Helen and start a war with Greece or turn them over to Menelaus who will surely kill them (and don't call me Shirly!). Of course, he chooses to save his little brother and thereby doom thousand of Trojans and Greeks to death in the coming war! Way to use the ol' nogin!
Menelaus pleads to Agamemnon to make war with Troy to regain his honor, and since Aggie was gonna go to war anyway, they decide to sail with the larget army the world has ever seen. With them are Achilles his squad of ancient commandos and other heros like Odysseus (Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings, National Treasue), and Ajax (Tyler Mane (Sabertooth in X-Men and former WCW wrassler "Big Sky"). Problem is Achilles hates Agememnon and doesn't particularly have any reason to fight the Trojans, he just want his name to live forever as the greatest of warriors. Well, the Greeks land on the beach at the great walls of Troy (like China) and hijinks ensue.
This film is incredible. I just had to wait til after the plot summary to give my opinion, and well this one the most enjoyable epic since, well, Return of the King, but not since Gladiator before that. I must compare it to that turd of a movie King Arthur since i watched them back-to back. This film has passion, motivation, and acting! Everyone in it is on their A-game, even the limited Orlando Bloom, who plays the same character in all his movies (Legolas/Will Turner/Paris = the same thing). Pitt gives a strong leading role but in my opinion the film is stolen by Eric Bana, and now all is forgiven for the way he mailed it in as Bruce Banner. Hector is torn by love for his brother and responsibility to his people, responsibility to his wife and child or his honor as a Captain of Troy. Then scene when he says goodbye to his wife and son killed me! Special nods also to Sean Bean, who is impressive in every scene he's in (far too few scenes in my opinion) and the immortal Peter O'Toole as Priam, king of Troy (nominated SEVEN times for acting oscars and never won, till they gave him an honorary one in 2003). The only weak acting is from the women here. Diane Krugar is hardy impressive as Helen, whose beauty started the whole damn war, and Saffron Burrows (as Hector's wife) and Rose Byrne (as Achilles love-slave) are not memorable. There is some actual loving here, compared to the no sex in sight King Arthur (if you got Kiera Knightly, USE HER!)
The fight scenes are hands down the best ever. Better than Gladiator's. Troy shows you how soldiers REALLY fought with a spear and shield, and how Achilles could defeat a 7 foot dude in the first swing of combat. Achilles vs Hector had me at the edge of my seat. You actually saw some intelligent tactics used in this war. Wolfgang Peterson does his homework. He's got some good films in his pocket like The Perfect Storm, Air Force One, and In the Line of Fire and if you haven't seen Das Boot, you need to go back to film school.
(Trivia Time folks, Betcha didn't know did you know Peterson also directed the ultimate childhood fantasy film of the eighties, The Neverending Story?)
I truly enjoyed watching this, and can't find anything to worth complaining about. The characters make life or death decisions and must face the consequences, and we see people feeling actual pain over the deaths of loved ones. It's a powerful movie and written so that you don't know if you should pull for the Trojans or Achilles. This is definantly one to own.
The Sneaky Cheetah's Grade: A
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Look! Up in the Sky!
Look! Up in the sky! It's a Bird! It's a plane! It's SuperAbs! First look at the new superman costume for next years blockbuster. I think this looks pretty bad-ass! Although he does look kinda like a SuperStripper. If this guy rescued me, I'd be scared to brush up against his Super Package. Still, its much better than the lame-O Fantastic Four redesign. With Batman kicking much ass this summer, DC is officially kicking Marvel's ass in movies. At least until Spidey 3!
Sunday, April 17, 2005
DVD Review - KING ARTHUR
The latest version of the Legend of Arthur has been "Hollywood-ized" by removing all mystic and fantastical elements from it and creating an "historical fiction" film (notice i used "an" instead of "a" before "historical"... that's 'cause I was in college!) This means no Ecalibur/Sword in the Stone/Lady of the Lake scenes, no Merlin the Magician throwing spells, no shining armor and grand castles. This follows a trend used in Troy which left all the greek mythology out of the ultimate greek myth! All of the epic adventure films in the last 10 years are trying to play catch-up to Braveheart, and King Arthur does not even attempt to be subtle about it.
There's the graphic battle scenes (beheadings, arms chopped off, stabbing through neck, blood splatter). Check. Blue face paint. Check. Speech about freedom delivered on horse-back in front of the troops. Check. It's funny how these have all become cliche' in this type of film. Hell, even Return of the King borrowed a little. This can be forgiven.
The story goes a little something.....like this: The roman empire is degenerating and contracting it's borders. It's abandoning it's outpost in England and recalling all true roman citizens and leaving the britons to fend for themselves. There's a "great wall" (ala "of china") seperating England from Scotland which is controlled by the savage Saxons. The wall is defended by Arthr, a Roman citizen (but his mother was English) and a group of knights from western Europe who were pressed into service fifteen years ago. Arthur and the knights also protect roman intrests from the native (you can tell by the blue paint!) britons led by Merlin (wasn't he a wizard or something?). Well, there's only seven knights left now but they will be given their freedom if they accompish one last mission: Retreive a Roman and his family from north of the wall before an advancing Saxon army gets them. Hijinks ensue.
Casting and acting is above average. The knights a likable and don't deliver too many cheesy lines. Arturius (Clive Owen) leads them , then there's Zen-like warrior/archer Tristan (Mads Mikkelsen) big loud strong guy Bors (Ray Winstone), big quiet strong guy Dagonet (Ray Stevenson), Do-nothing whiners Gawain (Joel Edgerton) and Galahad (Hugh Dancy) and frowns and shakes head alot Lancelot (Ioan Gruffudd). I like the unknown cast. Three of these guys will bite it. Guess which ones? Probably not the ones you'd expect. There's also the super-hot but toothpick-like Keira Knightley playing Guinevere, who they've turned into a native warrior princess, blue face paint and all. The saxons are led by the father and son conqorers Cerdic (Stellan Skarsgard) and Cynric (Til Schweiger), how cute. They're probably invading cause ol' Cerdic seems constapated the whole movie and giving his best Nick Nolte impression.
There are a few things that really bothered me in this film. First Arthur uses the word freedom about a bajillion times. It's actually every third word out of his mouth. This from a Roman commander fighting the non-free british natives while leading a group of non-free knights. In fact there's a flashback to an 11 year old Arthur who actually makes some comment about soldier's freedom. Seems to have freedom on the brain. Then ther'es the ludicrous strategy employed by the armies of this movie. The saxons burn everything they find. yes, we get it, they're bloodthirsty and ruthless, but when moving a large army across enemy territory, you need supplies, food, shelter. Nah, let's just burn it! When they get to the great wall of arthur, they find the doors...open! Oops! Of course it's a trap and when a small force of saxons go in the doors slam and they're destroyed. But then the door is opened again!?!?! And here come the rest of the army!! DUMB! The saxons had no artillery to penetrate that wall. Arthur had some Trebuchets and could have sat behind the wall picking them off with those and his superior archers all day. Nah, let's fight hand to hand. And it was laughable to see Keira Knightly, all 80 lbs of her, swinging a sword in one hand and axe in the other, killing burly saxon warriors left and right, little bitty titties strapped down by a few leather belts. Pshaww! And when Guin comes to Arthur to do him one night, Arthur acts like he's never touched a woman before. In the wild and swinging dark ages, there needs to be a little more sex.
Even given all this, the movie was still enjoyable. It was a solid epic, with a few memorable scenes, especially the knights making a stand on the frozen lake (an actual original concept!) I would have preferred it if all ties to King Arthur were left out. I would have rather just seen a "Knights of Briton" lead by "Clive" then plugging Arthurian names onto these characters. On the Braveheart scale I'll give it a 7, but on the King Arthur scale it gets a 4.
The Sneaky Cheetah's Grade: C+
There's the graphic battle scenes (beheadings, arms chopped off, stabbing through neck, blood splatter). Check. Blue face paint. Check. Speech about freedom delivered on horse-back in front of the troops. Check. It's funny how these have all become cliche' in this type of film. Hell, even Return of the King borrowed a little. This can be forgiven.
The story goes a little something.....like this: The roman empire is degenerating and contracting it's borders. It's abandoning it's outpost in England and recalling all true roman citizens and leaving the britons to fend for themselves. There's a "great wall" (ala "of china") seperating England from Scotland which is controlled by the savage Saxons. The wall is defended by Arthr, a Roman citizen (but his mother was English) and a group of knights from western Europe who were pressed into service fifteen years ago. Arthur and the knights also protect roman intrests from the native (you can tell by the blue paint!) britons led by Merlin (wasn't he a wizard or something?). Well, there's only seven knights left now but they will be given their freedom if they accompish one last mission: Retreive a Roman and his family from north of the wall before an advancing Saxon army gets them. Hijinks ensue.
Casting and acting is above average. The knights a likable and don't deliver too many cheesy lines. Arturius (Clive Owen) leads them , then there's Zen-like warrior/archer Tristan (Mads Mikkelsen) big loud strong guy Bors (Ray Winstone), big quiet strong guy Dagonet (Ray Stevenson), Do-nothing whiners Gawain (Joel Edgerton) and Galahad (Hugh Dancy) and frowns and shakes head alot Lancelot (Ioan Gruffudd). I like the unknown cast. Three of these guys will bite it. Guess which ones? Probably not the ones you'd expect. There's also the super-hot but toothpick-like Keira Knightley playing Guinevere, who they've turned into a native warrior princess, blue face paint and all. The saxons are led by the father and son conqorers Cerdic (Stellan Skarsgard) and Cynric (Til Schweiger), how cute. They're probably invading cause ol' Cerdic seems constapated the whole movie and giving his best Nick Nolte impression.
There are a few things that really bothered me in this film. First Arthur uses the word freedom about a bajillion times. It's actually every third word out of his mouth. This from a Roman commander fighting the non-free british natives while leading a group of non-free knights. In fact there's a flashback to an 11 year old Arthur who actually makes some comment about soldier's freedom. Seems to have freedom on the brain. Then ther'es the ludicrous strategy employed by the armies of this movie. The saxons burn everything they find. yes, we get it, they're bloodthirsty and ruthless, but when moving a large army across enemy territory, you need supplies, food, shelter. Nah, let's just burn it! When they get to the great wall of arthur, they find the doors...open! Oops! Of course it's a trap and when a small force of saxons go in the doors slam and they're destroyed. But then the door is opened again!?!?! And here come the rest of the army!! DUMB! The saxons had no artillery to penetrate that wall. Arthur had some Trebuchets and could have sat behind the wall picking them off with those and his superior archers all day. Nah, let's fight hand to hand. And it was laughable to see Keira Knightly, all 80 lbs of her, swinging a sword in one hand and axe in the other, killing burly saxon warriors left and right, little bitty titties strapped down by a few leather belts. Pshaww! And when Guin comes to Arthur to do him one night, Arthur acts like he's never touched a woman before. In the wild and swinging dark ages, there needs to be a little more sex.
Even given all this, the movie was still enjoyable. It was a solid epic, with a few memorable scenes, especially the knights making a stand on the frozen lake (an actual original concept!) I would have preferred it if all ties to King Arthur were left out. I would have rather just seen a "Knights of Briton" lead by "Clive" then plugging Arthurian names onto these characters. On the Braveheart scale I'll give it a 7, but on the King Arthur scale it gets a 4.
The Sneaky Cheetah's Grade: C+
Saturday, April 16, 2005
VOTE RICK JAMES, BITCH, City Council
"And now, here's some news..."
Seems there's this guy in Hattiesburg Mississippi and he's running for city council and he's put his political signs up all over town. Problem is, his name is Rick James (no shit) and people have been stealing his signs or vandalizing them with the words "I'm" and "Bitch!" Some old lady got terribly upset when she saw the word "Bitch" painted on her "Vote Rick James, City Council" sign. The word "Bitch" was painted right after the word "James." They had to explain that some vandal wasn't branding this old lady a bitch. Read more here!
"This has been a Sneaky Cheetah news brief."
Seems there's this guy in Hattiesburg Mississippi and he's running for city council and he's put his political signs up all over town. Problem is, his name is Rick James (no shit) and people have been stealing his signs or vandalizing them with the words "I'm" and "Bitch!" Some old lady got terribly upset when she saw the word "Bitch" painted on her "Vote Rick James, City Council" sign. The word "Bitch" was painted right after the word "James." They had to explain that some vandal wasn't branding this old lady a bitch. Read more here!
"This has been a Sneaky Cheetah news brief."
Friday, April 15, 2005
Nudey Magazine Day! Nudey Magazine Day!
Magnum P.I., the complete second season, on DVD.
...and there was much rejoicing.
...and there was much rejoicing.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Forgotten Star Wars Character: The ICE CREAM MAKER GUY!
So in Empire Strikes Back, after Lando and Leia see Boba Fett blast off from Cloud City, Lando makes an announcement to evacute the city. They run down the hallway and are nearly knocked over by some ASS trying to save his Ice Cream Maker! CLICK HERE TO SEE IT!
What if he would have knocked down Lando? They may have never made it to the Falcon and all died. All cause this jackass probably left his wife and kids behind just to save his damn Ice cream maker! He looks terrified! You know, I bet he stole Luke's X-wing, which was left on some landing platform. Luke never got it back! And he put his precious ice cream maker in the spot where R2-D2 sits!
One of the fun things about Star Wars is how may characters are in it and even if it's only for a second, that character is gonna get a backstory and possibly an action figure. Alas, there has been no Ice Cream Maker Guy figure. But here's his own webpage!
What if he would have knocked down Lando? They may have never made it to the Falcon and all died. All cause this jackass probably left his wife and kids behind just to save his damn Ice cream maker! He looks terrified! You know, I bet he stole Luke's X-wing, which was left on some landing platform. Luke never got it back! And he put his precious ice cream maker in the spot where R2-D2 sits!
One of the fun things about Star Wars is how may characters are in it and even if it's only for a second, that character is gonna get a backstory and possibly an action figure. Alas, there has been no Ice Cream Maker Guy figure. But here's his own webpage!
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